Why are we (still) here?

The manufacturers of the Blackberry will today be asked to explain why the Planet Earth still exists.

Still here for some reason
After the crash of its email and messaging service, experts say the smartphone may not be as vital as all the people who own one had led us to believe.

Technologist Stephen Malley said: "According to my calculations none of us should be here.

"In the event of such a prolonged absence of Blackberry messaging facilities, the Earth should have exploded by now in a hellish furnace of molten rock and body parts.

"There should be charred Blackberries spinning silently through space that will one day be picked up by aliens who will then be able to work out where it all went wrong for Earth."

He added: "I did the calculations on my Blackberry."

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's an easy mistake to make. Blackberries are owned by people who think they're incredibly important, whereas iPhones are owned by people who think iPhones are incredibly important and Android phones are owned by poor people who don't matter.

"Anyway, we worked out that the world was able to continue to exist for two key reasons. Are you ready?

"One - if you're in the office you can get emails and stuff on your computer, and two - if you're out of the office and something happens that actually matters then people can phone you. On your Blackberry."

He added: "We then did another experiment which shows that if people keep using Blackberries then the word will eventually disappear up its own rectum."